This weekend, my husband and I will participate in the Expedition Everest Challenge for the third time. I love this race because it is a 5K and it seems like the least amount of pressure in terms of making it through the course under the allotted time. It is not a traditional 5K because there are three obstacles along the course and at the end you need to solve clues in a scavenger hunt to arrive at the finish and receive your medal. I am looking forward to this race and time away from work and and everyday life.
Of course, this race should be easy, but that is when you have been eating and training the way you should, and clearly, I have not, or I would be in a very different place by now. It is hard to believe that we have been running for three years. When I started all this, my goal was to lose weight, primarily. When I think about where I wanted to be and where I am, I feel great disappointment in my willpower and in myself. One of my friends has lost 25 pounds in the time it has taken me to stand still in my weight loss attempt. I let short-term satisfaction override my willpower to achieve a long-term goal. Of course, as Jillian Michaels would say, "There has to be some kind of payoff for you to stay fat. What is that?" I don't know. I am particularly struggling with my emotions when it comes to the relationship I have with my family lately. My father calls me all the time and we bond over tech support and our love of technology. But, my mother and my sister never seem to want to spend time with me. My sister does not trust me to look after her daughter, although, my husband and I have offered many times, especially because it seems she needs time to focus on and pamper herself. She has a lot of responsibilities and never takes time out for herself. My mother is always quick to remind me of that. We have lived about 20 minutes away from them for close to ten years, and they have been over to my house exactly three times. Whenever they invite me to family events, usually around holidays like Easter or Christmas, I go, but I am holding my breath because I know I will see the disappointment in their eyes. Disappointment in me for not staying in the public education system and becoming a principal...Disappointment in me for not having a baby yet...Disappointment in me for not losing the weight...Then I come home and want to eat and drink my pain away, thus fueling more self-loathing in me. Am I proving my mother right in her expectations of me by staying fat? It is not like I have a terrible mother, please don't think that I do. She has helped me and loved me in every way she knows how. She supported me all my life and paid my way through college and graduate school. Now she is disappointed because I am in a job that does not require my undergrad degree let alone my graduate work. I am not the most knowledgeable or valuable one at this job here either, I just happen to love it. I know I should not be so invested in what she thinks, but I have spent a lifetime trying to please others, especially my parents, almost driving my husband, who is the best part of my whole life, away, and I am now having that "midlife crisis" where I am trying to figure out how to move past that. It shouldn't matter. I should be able to decide what I want for myself instead and feel happy because I made the decision that I wanted to make, right? Why can't I make a decision without worrying what others in my family will think or thinking about whether they will be happy with it? Why can't I have the willpower to face this weight head on and get it OFF?
