DNF- W&D 2013

So, I started the race with high hopes, positive mantras, and great pep talks from Jeff Galloway and my husband. But as soon as we started, I went on my 1st 15-second run and POP! My knee had other plans for the evening. My left knee, or more specifically the area around my knee, was in all-too-familiar but even worse pain than I had felt at Tower of Terror. I tried stretching, walking it off, taking pain meds... But to no avail. My husband said we walked fast enough to stay on pace for the first 5K of the race. I stopped at the med tent and they wrapped my knee and confirmed that my ugly IT Band syndrome had reared it's ugly head. Even after the three weeks I took off from running, I couldn't go further than 5 miles. I was heartbroken for my husband. I said he could go on, but he said he didn't want to do it without me. They picked us up, and I thought he might be angry, but he said that either one of us could have gotten injured and he thought I was a rock star for pushing through 5 miles after getting injured right away.

We are using this experience to boot us up for our Coast-to-Coast Challenge in 2014. We have the Tinkerbell Half in CA in January. So , I have that long to get a little weight off and strengthen muscles so the it band doesn't have so much to compensate for when I run.

It happens, and it sucks. But I can't let this and all the negative feelings I've been dealing with since my mom has been sick and with work drag me down into a depression that I can't shake. Dana says I should be proud of what I accomplished while injured. I am. Now I need to shake off disappointment and move forward.

Transient

This post is all over the place...

Here I am, a week before one of my all-time favorite races:  The Disney Wine and Dine Half Marathon.  I did so well last year.  We finished AND we partied all through the night.  The Tower of Terror 10-Miler is a race we finished a month ago.  I have taken off from running since then due to injury, and now I am not sure I will be able to finish.  There is no cushion for me in this race and I am still recovering from injury.  What can I expect of myself on race night?  To do the best I can and hope I finish, I guess.  I barely finished the 10-miler.  How can I expect to finish this HALF MARATHON?  I am so upset and pissed off at myself for being in this situation. I could have cross trained.  I could have lost weight.  But, no, I didn't.  I sat around pissing and moaning about an evaluation that I got at work and then letting what others think of me dictate my happiness.  I let their opinion of whether I should even be running dictate what I did.  I let the opinions of people I barely know color how I feel about myself.  I let opinions of the people in family dictate how I felt.  I felt sad, guilty, ashamed, afraid, stupid, and frustrated.  Why?  Why can't I ever have faith in my own abilities and be happy about who I am?  I worked hard to pay off this VERY expensive trip, and now I am afraid that I won't be able to enjoy it. 

My husband has told me that he intends to stay with me and help me through the race like he did the 10-miler.  I feel badly because I don't know if we will be able to finish, and it is because of ME.  What if we get pulled from the course?  I don't want him to feel upset, mad at me, disappointed in our effort, and end up miserable in the ONLY time we are going to have off for the next two months.  What if physically, my body gives up on me?  I want to be ready mentally, but if I am thinking of myself right now as  a big disgusting blob who has made so many mistakes over the last six months, how can I get my mind ready so I can overcome the "matter" that is my injured and obese body?

My family is in crisis right now.  My mother has been in and out of the hospital with high blood pressure, severe headaches, inflammation of the brain, and now is feeling better, but is afraid to be alone at home.  She is able to care for herself, and I know that.  I can't take off work to be with her, and that makes my sister angry at me.  She thinks we should be available to take care of our mother, 24-7.  Meanwhile, they don't tell me about all that is going on with my mother until they need my help.  I have never been on the "inner circle" of my family.  I love them, but they keep me at a distance, and only tell me things, on a "need to know" or "need to help" basis.  I feel like an outsider or outcast, and when I can't help, they say I should just go back to the school district and start in about the job I took six years ago.  Yes, I am disappointed in the way things are going in my job right now, but that does not mean I am ready to leave it.  

My sister needed help with her daughter this week because her husband needed to fly to Wisconsin due to a death in the family.  It came as a surprise to me that I couldn't help at one point, even though I was available to help, because I was not on the damn emergency card at school for her.  Really? I can help in many ways, maybe not the 24-7 way you want me to where our mother is concerned, but I can't believe you don't trust me enough or that I am such an after thought that I am not named as a family member to contact in case of emergency.

 

All this is going on, so I know if they found out we are going away for my husband's birthday to do this race, they would be livid and object to it.  Am I wrong to want to get away and try to build some success and have some fun after all this stress?   Maybe I don't deserve it.  They haven't made attempts to spend time with me or relate to me in a long time.  I try, but it has been awkward and I don't really know what to do.  If I am not all in 24-7 for my mother, then I am not really of much value to them in the current situation, it seems.  I bring dinner.  I help with cell phone and computer problems.  When called on my day off, I spend the whole day, trips to the ER and all, with mom and the family.  When I can't stay at home with her all the time, I can tell what they are thinking.  I don't care enough.  I'm not doing enough.

I know I'm all over the place in terms of what I am thinking about right now, but I just needed to get some thoughts out.  I don't know how I am going to deal with any of this.  I know I need to find it within myself to change the way I see myself and how I feel about myself should be more important that what others think of me, related or not.

I am fat.  I am slow.  I have a really low opinion of myself.  I am almost 40 and unhappy with the progress I have made.  I know I need to make a change for myself.  I have a job that I am good at and generally happy with normally.  I have an amazing husband who would do anything to help me and loves me so much.  I just need to find a way to get started on the right track emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

 

Commit or Quit?

Commitment.  That's the piece I am missing.  There are so many things I am frustrated with in my life right now and it all boils down to this:  Believing I am worth it and sticking with the commitment no matter how hard it gets.  Jillian Michaels would say that there is some payoff for staying the way I am.  I don't know what it is, though.  I need to figure it out so I can get away from how I am and be happy and healthy.  There are promises I made to myself that I have not kept.  That hurts.  It feels like I am a coward and that I can't reach a goal.

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Reality Check

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I had a horrible and humiliating reality check at work today.  We were all together in a staff meeting, and as with all our staff meetings past, there was a presentation with tons of slides.  Normally, there are pictures of people in our company that were meant to be replaced with pictures of different members of our team that our leaders never have time to take.  However, this time, they took some... when I wasn't looking.  Today, when the picture of me with a client seated at a training station and going through a lesson, shot from behind so you see my back and all of my HUGE ass.  It was meant to be an action shot to catch us in an authentic setting with clients, so they did not warn us about them.  I looked awful and I was so embarrassed.  I didn't hear half of what was said about the changes in our job assignment.  What a reality check.  On top of that, I got a horrible evaluation from a client on this same day.  I don't get many negative comments, but man, when it rains on the self-esteem you are trying to build back up, it pours, like a fucking hurricane.

I avoid mirrors because I hate the way I look right now.  There it was live and in color.  Something I could not run away from or avoid.  I had to sit there.  It seemed like an eternity before they switched the slide to something else and I felt my heart race and my face get hot and red.  

Now the question becomes:  What am I going to do with that feeling?  My heart is racing even thinking about that moment. What I do with that will determine what happens to me in the near future and in the long run...long run of my life and long run as in the half marathons I am planning to run this year.  How am I going to turn this feeling of humiliation and torture around and use it as impetus to move forward for real?  Right now all I feel like doing is crying, and it is in those  moments, it is what you do that defines your character.

 

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I need to find motivation and drive... I need to love myself again

So for the last month, I have been thinking long and hard about the relationships I have with my family and how that impacts the way I feel about myself.  I have always sought approval from them and generally followed their advice when it came to my career and my life.  In the past, when I have talked with my mother, and she has told me all the negative consequences of gaining weight and how it negatively impacts my life at the current time, and that she loves me and wants what's best for me, that will nudge me toward losing weight.  The last time she wanted me to do a program, I think it is called medi weight loss, I told her I didn't want to do it but wanted to be successful on my own.  The last major career change I made went in the completely opposite direction from what they wanted me to do. I think I have been waiting for them to look at me and how much weight I have gained, and look at the fact that I really haven't advanced in my current place of work since I started there six years ago and say something about it all.  Now, it is extremely hard to advance where I am and I am happy with the job I have right now.  I am not happy with the weight I have gained.  I feel like I am waiting for them to say something because they always have made their opinions known, mostly my mother and older sister, and each time they make their opinions known that affects me very deeply in an emotional way.  It impacts how I feel about myself.   All my internal dialogue is what they would say and then I take that and let it drive down my own opinion of myself.  Have they said anything negative to me lately?  No.  Why do I project or imagine the worst?  I don't know.   Do I love myself right now? No.  Am I proud of myself? No.  How do I turn that around?  How can I find it inside myself to love myself again and think that I am worth it enough to make the change?  Logically, I know my family does all those things out of love.  Emotionally,  I need to find a way to detach the way I value myself from what others say and how they feel about me and see me.  I need to stop imagining that they are saying all the things they've said in the past all over again.  How do I do that?  I don't feel worthy of anything good in my life right now.

The voice in my head is kicking my ass

This whole last month has been a real struggle for me, emotionally. A lot of feelings of inadequacy have bubbled to the surface. I have always been a people pleaser and always put what others must think of me first instead of considering what I want or what would make me happy. I was raised to instantly make sure public perception of me and what I said about my family was good. I feel that my mom
and sister think I tarnished family image when I left the family business and this they want to have little contact with me. It's probably not the case, but in my head that is the script playing. I'm fat and I don't have the right career. I'm almost 40 and have no children. Not that I wanted them and couldn't have them, but I have chosen not to have them yet, which seems to be a disappointment. This is not the script that needs to be playing to help me reach my goals, value myself, and love myself. I need a different script. I'm sure, logically, this is not what they are thinking. They love me and support me and they are probably focused on their own problems and lives. I need to focus on myself and not use that as an excuse not to reach my goals. Oh, they don't think I can, so why should I believe it's possible? Shut up, voice in my head! I shouldn't blame anyone else for my not accomplishing goals. What is the payoff for staying this way? Why do I revert back to this always? Why can't I be the better person? I am so awful.

Expedition Everest 2013... or Expedition Escape?

This weekend, my husband and I will participate in the Expedition Everest Challenge for the third time.   I love this race because it is a 5K and it seems like the least amount of pressure in terms of making it through the course under the allotted time.  It is not a traditional 5K because there are three obstacles along the course and at the end you need to solve clues in a scavenger hunt to arrive at the finish and receive your medal. I am looking forward to this race and time away from work and and everyday life.

Of course, this race should be easy, but that is when you have been eating and training the way you should, and clearly, I have not, or I would be in a very different place by now.   It is hard to believe that we have been running for three years.  When I started all this, my goal was to lose weight, primarily.  When I think about where I wanted to be and where I am, I feel great disappointment in my willpower and in myself.  One of my friends has lost 25 pounds in the time it has taken me to stand still in my weight loss attempt.  I let short-term satisfaction override my willpower to achieve a long-term goal.  Of course, as Jillian Michaels would say, "There has to be some kind of payoff for you to stay fat.  What is that?"  I don't know.  I am particularly struggling with my emotions when it comes to the relationship I have with my family lately.  My father calls me all the time and we bond over tech support and our love of technology.  But, my mother and my sister never seem to want to spend time with me.  My sister does not trust me to look after her daughter, although, my husband and I have offered many times, especially because it seems she needs time to focus on and pamper herself.  She has a lot of responsibilities and never takes time out for herself.  My mother is always quick to remind me of that.  We have lived about 20 minutes away from them for close to ten years, and they have been over to my house exactly three times.  Whenever they invite me to family events, usually around holidays like Easter or Christmas, I go, but I am holding my breath because I know I will see the disappointment in their eyes.  Disappointment in me for not staying in the public education system and becoming a principal...Disappointment in me for not having a baby yet...Disappointment in me for not losing the weight...Then I come home and want to eat and drink my pain away, thus fueling more self-loathing in me.   Am I proving my mother right in her expectations of me by staying fat?  It is not like I have a terrible mother, please don't think that I do.  She has helped me and loved me in every way she knows how.  She supported me all my life and paid my way through college and graduate school.  Now she is disappointed because I am in a job that does not require my undergrad degree let alone my graduate work.  I am not the most knowledgeable or valuable one at this job here either, I just happen to love it.  I know I should not be so invested in what she thinks, but I have spent a lifetime trying to please others, especially my parents, almost driving my husband, who is the best part of my whole life,  away, and I am now having that "midlife crisis" where I am trying to figure out how to move past that.  It shouldn't matter.  I should be able to decide what I want for myself instead and feel happy because I made the decision that I wanted to make, right?  Why can't I make a decision without worrying what others in my family will think or thinking about whether they will be happy with it?  Why can't I have the willpower to face this weight head on and get it OFF?

Vacation from self-loathing

This weekend we are on a vacation and one of the first in a while that doesn't include a race. I know I haven't blogged very much because I've been feeling ashamed of all that's happened in the wake of not running the marathon: gaining weight as I tried to eat away my disappointment in myself, eating to soothe feelings of inadequacy at work and with others, and how I have not been motivated or feeling worthy of very much. I haven't accomplished much to be proud of over the last three months.

We are headed to Key West this weekend. The last time we were there, we decided to start running and it was the beginning of losing the 30 lbs I have still kept off up to today.
I want to use this time to let go and realize that my life is getting shorter by the minute. I need to set goals that I really want to achieve for myself and have to find the inner passion and vision that will keep me on track to accomplish them. I have to let go of thinking of all the expectations others have of me and owning their disappointment and find strategies for not falling into that trap when they express what they wanted and how they wish I would do - fill in the blank here- I need to find the confidence and pride I had in myself a little more than a year ago. What really matters is how I see myself and right now I don't see myself the way I should .. The way I know Dana sees potential in me... Now I have to see and believe it.

Where were you 365 days ago?

I remember being in a completely different place a year ago. A former student of mine posted this question on Facebook today. I was more motivated, even though right around this time I was dealing with bad planter fasciitis and I caused us to drop out of the Run For Your Lives 5K. I feel like punishing myself for many reasons. My husband always says if you are unhappy with yourself, make a change. All I want to do is hide from change & eat for comfort. I wonder why I never feel good enough or like I deserve to or will ever be able to lose weight. No one can want it for me. I have to want it for myself. I am ashamed of where I am physically and emotionally this year. I don't know how to get in the right headspace. My self -loathing is still tied to what others think of and expect of me, too. Why can't I flip the switch and bring back the focus?

It's Time

Emotion has ruled over me for many weeks now since we decided not to run the marathon when we were injured and sick. I've been wallowing in sadness and disappointment... In self-loathing and hatred... I worked so hard only to stop short of the goal. But maybe I wasn't mentally or physically ready. Maybe there was another goal that needed to take priority: weight loss, nutrition, and just overall fitness. Plus a more important task: putting myself first and learning to love myself no matter what others think of me.

So, I'm going to turn the focus on mini goals of eating right, exercising, and losing weight at a slow and steady pace. I'm going to look at what's "eating" me and why I care so much about the opinions of others first. Trying to be perfect and please everyone has not gotten me anywhere near where I want to be in life. That has to change.